Looking back. Sometimes it is a ‘good thing’ and other times, not so much! Often the LORD prompts us to remember, to reflect and think on those things: people, places, and specific times. Life changing events along the journey. These reminders can bring us to a freshness when we are weary. These reminders can bring us to repentance for allowing present circumstances to bring a lax and staleness in our walk with Him. These reminders can present an explosion of emotion…that is where I had found myself…exploding! My question was, “what now?”
I had taken time to peruse the pages of my life. Why? I try to look back and learn, but this time was different. My birthday was approaching. Another year had come and gone, more quickly than when I was ten so it seems. This was a big birthday, not that I was worried about it, actually the opposite was true. I was getting ready to turn “50” and I was excited about it. I still am today, might I add. I actually lived long enough to turn fifty years old. I have always looked at birthdays as just a number, but this one, it is a mile marker! My thoughts were more consumed in the life, than the number.
On this specific day, my focus was more about where I was at this present stage of my life than the actual year this birthday would usher in. So much had taken place over the last few months and no matter how hard I tried to find it, contentment would not be found. I had become aggravated with my focus and frustrated with myself, with our situation, and with life. If you have been there, you know that it is only a downward spiral from there. Yes, the ‘pity party’ was gearing up to celebrate! That within itself even made me more disgusted. Why did I even start this reflection in the first place? Seriously, whose idea was this in the first place? Present circumstances that I wish every single day would change. Past regrets and decisions that I wish I could go back and live a ‘do-over.’ Choices made or not made that could have been handled differently. Do you know what I am talking about? Every single one of us have these moments – “if only” moments. Looking back in hindsight, so much process time to come up with a better solution, a more promising result, and less pain. If only. IF ONLY!
I felt as if I was drowning in ‘if only’ and I wanted rescue. I wanted change. I wanted those results that I could see now as the better way. The spiral down seemed to be suffocating. Any life that I could muster seemed almost miniscule through my eyes. I had prayed for so long to live in the LORD’s BEST and this just wasn’t what I pictured BEST to look like. All I could see was a huge mess made by my very own hands. My heart was breaking. I needed my Healer! I needed His touch! I needed to feel Him with me. I cried out and He came to my rescue.
“Why does my heart ache and break?” The question posed before me needed an answer. I needed that answer for healing to come. I needed that answer in this very moment. My answer came. ‘Loss of something!’ It is all about letting go of what I had planned out for my life, this perception that I had envisioned, this place and time, this moment. I had created a picture of BEST and embraced it. I placed myself in it, visualized it, but it was not anything like this reality of my life. The loss of this something had broken my heart and created an ache that I could not mend. I needed more than human words in this moment. I needed even more than scripture in this very moment. Have you been there? That moment of tremendous ache when a verse is nothing more than words on a page. You want it to be more and you read it over and over, hoping for something, but nothing. There is silence, there is longing and there is pain, but still nothing. You need the Healer of your Soul. I needed my Healer.
Some lessons are harder to embrace for learning. Can I just sleep through this one? “If only” it worked that way. I am thankful in that moment that it doesn’t. My Healer came! Beginning with lyrics of a song that ushered my heart, yes that broken heart, to worship, to listen and hear His words of encouragement. Oh, such a beautiful balm for the ache deep inside. He reminded me of His Providence, His Sovereignty, His Loving Presence … ALWAYS. In every situation and scenario, He had not left me destitute. He will do anything and use everything to get to me, to get to my heart…even through pain and loss of a dream. On this ‘Hand-written’ journey – what day or days would “I” leave out? “If only” it were up to me? What circumstance would I change? “If only” I could? What if that very portion I chose to remove was the determining outcome, the specific turning point, the catalyst for life changing moments in the life of someone else looking on? Oh, I cannot forget this. Each moment in time, every detail has a purpose beyond my wildest dreams and imagination. I only see a portion – a portion tainted by emotions – locked in pain, elated in joy, encircled by carefree attitude! He, My Healer, sees ETERNITY! I am limited. I am self-focused. I get lost in pain and want relief. I must trust Him … TRUST HIM with all of it. The part that I would remove could be the most significant portion. I cannot know, but He does!
For my good and His Glory! Healing came to more than my broken heart, my broken thinking was changed. Hindsight is still so limited and tainted. Only Holy God looking on knows the whole of our existence and purpose. Embrace the ‘gift’ that He gives daily… He calls it LIFE! There will be good, bad, easy, hard, joy, pain, laughter, tears and so much more to bring an expected end. We are being made in His image, He knows BEST!
Turning Points …
Greatest Burdens …
God wants to use ‘me’ to bring someone else’s gifts to life! This is why ‘if only’s’ cannot be and I do not get ‘do-overs.’
B-E-S-T ~ This moment… right here, right now!
His BEST is not one PLACE … it is each and every step made to serve Jesus and be His Disciple!
Perspective aligned. Thank you LORD!
I am NOT waiting for His BEST…
I am Following it!
Happy 50th Birthday to me…may it be AMAZING and bring Glory to My Savior!
One Thought to “I Cannot Know… But He Does!”
Been there! Waiting on the Lord and not accepting He was already with me, had never left except in my little unworthy heart or so I thought. God is so good!